My mother passed away Oct 31, 2013. The events that preceded her death were hard; however the emotional tailspin that followed her death would be the lowest I had ever been spiritually. I was so mad at God. I couldn’t understand His plan. I felt betrayed, lied to, misled and misguided. How could the God I spent my entire life singing about allow this to happen? Why would I want to spend time talking to God? If God couldn’t answer my most important prayer and spare my mother’s life, then why would I trust Him with other areas of my life?
I remember one of my emotionally charged grieving moments; my husband encouraged me to talk about my feelings. I expressed to him that I missed my mom. He told me that he understood, but he didn’t leave it there. He suggested that I dig deeper. After a few more sobs, I told Him I was mad at God. How could He allow this to happen? My husband, ever so lovingly and without judgement, said that God was big enough to deal with my anger. He said, “Just don’t stop praying,” and “..tell God how you are feeling”. I took that exact moment to emotionally pour out my hurt and heart to God - and I haven’t stopped since.
So many times as Christians, we get so caught up in the unanswered prayer that we decide to turn our backs on God. We choose to freeze Him out. We treat him as a friend that has wronged us and give Him the silent treatment. But my friend, there is so much more to your story. An unanswered prayer does not stop God from loving us or moving on our behalf.
My 9 month old daughter just started walking. When she first started out, she would hold on to the couch and take a few steps and then fall, sometimes hurting herself. She would cry for a few seconds, hold on to me or her father and then try to walk again. What impressed me about her growing milestone was that it was occurring at the same time I was having my standoff with God and I was learning from her. Just because you get hurt, you don’t give up. My daughter doesn’t know that on the other side of her falling constantly as she learns to walk, that she will be able to run, jump, explore and discover new things. If she stopped at crawling, she wouldn’t be able to reap the full blessing of walking.
I am learning that my journey will be filled with joys and hurts, but I will not stop praying and believing. On the other side of this will be me mounting up like an eagle. I will learn how to walk without getting weary so I can run and not faint. On the other side of my hurts on this earth, there will be joy unspeakable joy in heaven.
No more night. No more pain. No more death. No more sorrow.
I want what’s on the other side.
-Melissa Prescott O'Rourke