I hate myself. Why did he abuse me? I was only 6. I didn’t even know what was going on.He said we were playing a secret game. I don’t know of any game that is secret. Hide-n-Seek, tag, kickball...there is nothing secret about those games. Everyone plays them together. Why can’t everyone play this game?
I hate grown-ups. Where the heck was everyone when he lured me in the bathroom?How could they not know what was going on? Adults are so oblivious to situations.
I hate the divorce of my parents. We were a happy family, until they got emotional. We went to church all the time. Then, everything went downhill.
I hate the guy who hurt my mom. I had trusted him. We moved in with him. Why did he do such mean things? Why do crazy people do that? Why don’t they know they are crazy and leave people alone? Why didn't I kill him? Why did I promise my mom that I wouldn't do anything rash? He could have been dead by the next week.
I hate my upbringing. If I wasn't such a Christian he would be dead for what he did.
I hate being weak. I was too small and too naive/stupid to know what was happening to me. I could not defend myself.
I hate being weak. I wasn't able to protect my mom from her abuser.
I hate emotions and weakness. I am going to be a smart as I can, and strong and I can, so that it will never happen again.
I hate Christianity. Why do I have to turn the other cheek? Why is that not explained practically? Am I supposed to let him abuse me again? Is my mom supposed to let herself be abused again?
I hate my struggle. Why didn't anyone tell us grandkids about grandpa’s porn addiction? Why were we sent to play in the room, to sleep in the room, where he kept his porn? Why kinda logic is that?
I hate flowery talking. Why talk around the issue, and never talk about the issue? No one told me about sex until after I was abused. Why? Why wasn't that conversation had earlier? Why wasn't I prepared? Why does everyone always hide issues, instead of dealing with them directly? Why must I make you feel good when I talk, instead of simply addressing the real reason for a conversation?
I hate church. People come there and act as if everything is alright, knowing that they are just as screwed up as me, but when you say it, they look at you cross-eyed like you are the only one in the entire church with real issues.
I hate church people. They’re always people trying to tell you what ought to happen, with their faith in God like Aladdin with his genie. What happens when God says no? Where is your faith then? Do you suddenly get mad at God? Has He let you down? or didn’t you have enough faith? Foolish spoiled Westerners. Most church people’s notions of faith and God are more Greek mythology than Biblical reality.
I have lived my life, surviving foolishness, from the principle of hate. Hate has helped me survive. Hate has given me drive. Hate has given me energy. Hate has given purpose. The problem is this: for everyone I hated, Jesus took the place of and died for. So in a very real sense I have hated God...specifically Jesus. I hated Him for His forgiveness of those who hurt me, who took advantage of me and my family, for putting up with people who in my egotistically injured mind were overly emotional and therefore stupid, undeserving of His mercy for their dumb decisions. My hatred kept me out of relationships with Jesus and people who loved me, because I was so hate-filled.
But now I’m 39. I have a wife and a daughter. I am no longer that little boy, helpless and weak. How does hatred help me now? How do I lead my family in righteousness with hate?
I am a chaplain, with a Masters of Divinity, working at Florida hospital. I am responsible for being compassionate to sick people. How does hate help me do this?
Hate was my guiding principle in order to survive, but now I must live. Hate can’t help me there. Now, how do I live forward and free?